the blog about finding a mentor
This is the first blog post about the little things: moments, actions and reflections that while seemingly small, have had a huge impact on my life.
While the vague direction of “get a mentor” is often mentioned in various “leadership” sessions (at conferences, internal development events, webinars you name it) I remember thinking to myself when sitting in such sessions “uhhh ok….how do I actually find this mysterious mentor? WHAT exactly IS a mentor? And WHY do I need one?” I’m often asked when speaking with peers, friends or other groups: how to find a mentor, or more specifically, how did I find my mentor. Before I answer that question, I want to stress the importance of having a mentor, (or mentors, plural) to anyone who’s reading this, but with practical answers as to how to find one, what is a mentor exactly, and why they are important?
I will answer my own questions out of order. First of all, WHAT is a mentor? There are many, many, MANY definitions of a mentor out there but for today’s post, mine is “a person who I can learn from, who may be an expert in something I’m curious about, or simply has more experience than me, and who wants to help me for no reason other than that they want to help.” Using that definition, I have several different mentors depending on the topic area. I have a spiritual mentor, a woman who is a little further down a spiritual path I’ve found very fulfilling. I go to her when I have questions related to God, spirituality and the “right thing to do.” I have a relationship mentor- someone who is in a stable romantic relationship that I admire and learn from her how she’s maintained a strong, healthy, authentic relationship while not losing herself. And then, I have my professional mentor, the one I want to share about in this blog. This is the one who I go to for all things under the general “career” umbrella: professional development, leadership, coaching, management, new inspiration and most often, “how-to-solve-this-work-related-problem-I’ve-never-had-before.” She’s the one who encouraged me to start a blog, and so I thought it only fitting that this first entry be a little about her.
I feel a bit odd calling her my “professional mentor” because, inevitably, we talk about things far beyond the world of slack, email and how to give a killer exec-presentation. However, she continues to be the single source of truth I seek out when I’m feeling foggy, confused or frustrated about anything related to my job/career. She’s also the first person I want to call to share exciting news with: like getting the new job, having the conversation with my employee I was nervous about- but it turned into a successful coaching conversation in the end for us both, or the new, high-visibility project I was assigned to that I’m not sure how I’ll get done in the timeline assigned, but can’t wait to get started.
So that’s the WHAT, now the HOW? ( I’ll answer the WHY at the end). How you find a mentor, can be as different and as personal to each individual as it is to find a favorite hobby. You might prefer a highly- prescriptive, methodical approach, such as: searching through LinkedIn for thought-leaders in your field, area of interest or industry and then 1) looking for mutual connections who can introduce you or 2) sending a connection request with a quick reason as to why you’re reaching out, or 3) forking over the cash and upgrading to LinkedIn Premium so you can send an official InMail.
If you prefer to feel the energy of the person for yourself, rather than reaching out cold, you might try another approach as I’ve done: Attend a conference and when someone presents on a topic that moves you (in a professional way), wait until the end of their session and stay afterwards to introduce yourself. Make sure to exchange contact information and then FOLLOW UP! (more on that in my next blog). However, in the ever-changing world of COVID-19 and social distancing, it may be some time before in-person conferences happen again. So, a modified approach would be: attending a virtual conference, then, asking for the best way to connect with the Subject Matter Expert you've felt drawn to and again, follow up with them afterwards. (Bonus points: message them during their presentation too to say hello or ask a question if that’s an option with the video tool being used.) Alternatives to these, would be, joining a networking group (though it can be hard to sift through effective networking communities and groups that are basically a bunch of vendors or out-of-work folks looking to connect for the sole purpose of “getting something”) and pursuing people there that you are inspired by, using the same methodologies mentioned above.
If none of these are your style, or, like many of us, you lack the time to just go perusing the web to find a conference to attend that will have a speaker you might connect with, then look in your own backyard, at your place of employment or in your community and get creative! When you look around, ask yourself, in every situation, who do you see who “has what you want?” And I don’t necessarily, material aspects, (though those might be important to you), but rather, what people possess the knowledge, skills or connections you’re yearning to have or grow for yourself? Those are the people who will most likely be a fit for you as a mentor.
In my case, my backyard happened to be a cooking-class. It was my boyfriend and my one-year anniversary and I surprised him with a Cozymeal cooking class, where you cook at a professional chefs home with a very small group of people and then you all eat the meal together. (Think Sur-La-Table meets Airbnb.) There we were, on a Thursday night in Foster City, California, cooking in Chef Barbara’s home kitchen, and there was this lovely woman, the one I mentioned before. She was there on her own that night, her husband wasn’t available to attend the class at the last minute, but she decided for herself that she wanted to learn to cook halibut with or without him! That was the first thing I admired in her, her independence and confidence.
As the evening went on and we chopped onions, sautéed beans and baked plum tart, the more she and I spoke, the more drawn to her I felt. She had a peace about her, but simultaneously, an ambitious drive and high standards. We shared a little about work and it became clear there was some overlap in our professional worlds and it might make sense to stay in touch. So at the end of the night, I asked for her email address and the next day, sent her a follow up email, asking for 30 mins of her time over a coffee. The rest is history!
I certainly didn’t go into that evening expecting to meet the woman who would come to be my professional guiding light, but here we are several years later. The point of this is, you can meet your mentor anywhere, but what’s critical is knowing WHY you want a mentor and WHAT it is that you are looking for in them. Yes, mentorship is a two-way street, meaning it shouldn’t be a parasitic relationship where the mentee takes all and the mentor leaves each encounter feeling drained, but in order to build a strong mutual relationship, the mentee needs to know what she’s looking for.
This brings me to my WHY. Why even have a mentor? Why send all of these emails to almost-strangers? Why buy all these coffees? Why consider upgrading to LinkedIn Premium? Because, at the end of the day, I’ve found that these are some of the most nourishing, connecting and fulfilling relationships I have. Personally, I need direction from inspirational people all around me to help me find the next right thing to do to be of maximum service to others in every sphere of my life. If I try and figure everything out on my own, and live only off of my “great ideas” (<-- quotes intended...they are often, sadly, mediocre), I will often be led astray by my ego, anxiety or simple ignorance. My mentor has told me things I might not want to hear in the moment, but ultimately, it’s exactly those things that have helped move me back onto the right path rather than ambling down the one I thought was best due to fear, pride or inexperience. She’s also been there to cheer me on when no one else has, or who I’ve been able to share some of my deepest aspirations with and have her tell me to GO FOR IT! YOU GOT THIS! and...I’M PROUD OF YOU!
So, the little actions for you, if you’re looking for a mentor, are:
WHAT: Answer for yourself: What do I want in my mentor? What’s the topic I want to learn about? What do I need help with? Where am I stuck and need guidance?
HOW: Start the google search on “thought leaders in diversity & inclusion” (or whatever topic you’d like to learn!), send the LinkedIn request or take the (virtual) cooking class to put yourself one step closer to finding this person!
You’ll be amazed at how these seemingly small actions, will ultimately, lead to profound results.
My next blog will be about the little things to do after you’ve found a potential mentor: what to do before and during and after that first meeting with them, and what to look for in determining whether this person is right for you, but in the meantime, take the little actions and see what happens!
